"History Has Its Eyes On You"

“History has its eyes on you.” 

–Hamilton (the musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda)

Is there such a thing as “throwing away” your vote in America? The 2016 election is unlike any I’ve witnessed in my short 28 years as an American citizen. With more than 40 days left until the election, I have yet to make my final decision for who I will cast a ballot for, even though my research has a pretty strong conclusion at the moment. Only in that final moment when you stand in the voting booth does your final decision actually occur. Yard signs, posters, shirts, social media rants – nothing matters except your check in one of four boxes. Four boxes. Yes. Four.

This year, more than ever, I’m craving for the voices of all my options - all four who have fit the criteria to run for highest office in the country. Yet expressing that desire conjures something so anti-American, I can't believe it's coming from people who claim that freedom is the most important thing in the world to them. For people who bleed red, white and blue. What I hear is not the evaluation of various candidates. Mentioning third party candidates merits no discussion, only the following phrases: “they can’t win,” "you're wasting your vote." 

Mathematically, four candidates have the ability to gain enough electoral votes and take office. Four candidates for president will be on ballots. If it’s listed alphabetically by last name, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein will be listed right in the middle of Trump and Clinton on those ballots. Yet when I promote the desire to hear the voices of those I have the option to select, I’m told "you're wasting a vote."

So I ask - How can I be an American and waste my vote?

In the 1500s Europe began sending people to a new, uncharted land to discover what it had to offer. That land was lush and occupied by people who loved nature, respected their resources and were fiercely protective of their beliefs. The land I stand on as an American was ruled by tribes and nomadic people – that was the status quo.

By the 1700s, European colonies had settled, thriving cities were forming and people on this land started living in a standard of government that was beholden to a ruling party with a crown an ocean away. Taxes came without representation. That was the status quo.

By the mid-1700s, a small group of people asked “is this my best choice?” and dared to dream of breaking the status quo of the crown. They met, they discussed, they acted. They created the political system that we are now living in. They elected a president with the voice of the people, created a system of checks and balances, created a ruling body of the people. That was the status quo.

It’s 2016 and we live in a nation where I can cast a vote for who I believe would best lead this country. But instead of truly having the freedom to evaluate my decision, I’m told I have to live in fear of an alternative and only select from two options. I’m told I’m wasting my vote by even considering another option. I'm told FOUR actually only equals TWO. I'm told to cut my decisions in half - just because that's the way it is. This is 2016. That’s the status quo.

We are taught the dangers of populations that ascribe to a system or ideal out of fear – stand with the status quo that is flawed. We see death, war and violence and are told that it happened because people were too afraid to question for fear of a worse alternative. Fear that the "greater of two evils" would prevail if they went with what they believed. We were also taught that Americans are brave free thinkers with rights. We are taught to praise the rebels who raised a glass to freedom and gave us the freedom to choose.

So why are so many Americans afraid to use the freedom that we claim is the best thing about our country? The thing that people get up and say is the reason they support a candidate - to protect freedom? Why am I told I’m foolish for exercising my decision to vote away from the status quo if I believe that’s my best decision? If everyone did, maybe we’d fix the problem we’re all so afraid of.

So I ask, how, as an American, can I possibly throw away my vote if I’ve studied my options, weighed the consequences, and show up on Election Day? By letting fear rule my decisions, by allowing the group-think of the two-party system dictate my decision, I would be ascribing more to the enemies than the heroes in our textbooks. I would allow fear to rule over my freedom.

When I look back at this election, I want to be able to tell my story and know I stood by my beliefs. I exercised my right as an American to evaluate all my options and to do what I feel is right. I “raised a glass to freedom…something they can never take away,” as said by Lin-Manuel Miranda in his historic piece of musical theatre art - Hamilton.

What if the Founding Fathers listened to the critics saying that no rebel group of colonies could topple the super power of the world? They didn’t. They did what everyone said was a waste of time. They did what was foolish. They knew the gravity of their decision. They knew they would probably fail. They knew they would probably lose their lives. But they did it.

I’m not riding into a war. I’m not meeting in secret for fear of execution on the streets for sharing a story I think is important to hear. I’m not living a double life. But I am being criticized. I’m being called foolish. But not for any reasons rooted in fact…only in self-fulfilling resolve. I’m not being told that supporting a third party is foolish because of his/her beliefs. I’m told it’s foolish because we’ve decided it’s foolish and that even thinking of an alternative is failure.

When we vote for a candidate we don't believe in, we're wasting something far worse than a vote - we're wasting freedom. 

Only by voting for what we believe in can we truly live free and not waste our vote.

As a nation we’ve resolved to only having two options that many people don’t like. Because of fear and fear alone. We’re backing ourselves into a corner on our own. We aren’t hostage, we’re locking ourselves in the basement and claiming it’s the only way. We are afraid of challenging. Even though our teachers, mentors and leaders pressed the idea of independent thought, freedom, bravery and standing up for what is right into our heads since childhood. When it comes time to live that philosophy - to be free even when it's hard - most of us are surrendering freedom out of fear. We are wasting freedom, not our votes. Have courage. Be vocal. Stay true to yourself. Strive for independence. By voting for someone we don't believe in we're throwing away our freedom and I for one, refuse to do that.

This election season, that’s exactly what I will do – I’ll be free. Free to choose from FOUR. I’ll be evaluating the options on the ballot in my state – ALL of them. I will be listening to every word, noting every movement, watching every nervous shift of all the candidates I can possibly find. I will evaluate the person, the reality and the system. But I do so knowing that I’m a proud American who will make a decision I knew was right. In 10 years, I won’t feel remorse for casting a vote I didn’t feel was right in my soul. I’ll live the American dream. I’ll be free.

“History has its eyes on you.”

How Do You Know?

"It is through science that we prove, but through intuition that we discover."

Henri Poincare

Have you ever had a feeling of certainty you can't shake despite all the facts in the world fighting your belief?  It's a struggle that hits to the core because it questions your sanity.  Am I being a fool?  Am I giving in to desires in my soul or is this a real feeling of intuition that will prove to be correct?  Stories mount in your mind of all the times people have just "had a gut feeling" and years down the road they look back and they were right.  You start to add up the pieces - the soft facts that maybe give you a glimmer of that reality, a vague idea that you might be right.  The hard facts fight you. That piece of hope, those stories and soft facts are what cause pain.  The questioning of yourself, and the hope that one day your feeling will be justified and you won't be left at the end with anger at yourself for trusting your intuition.  For having belief.  Maybe this time you won't take another step away from spiritual matters and instead embrace that there's something bigger out there that was guiding you.  If your intuition evolves into reality - then everything is bliss.  Embrace that all the things that have lead you to this point...all the waiting was worth it.

I have the banner on my facebook a very simple quote that serves as more than just something to fill space - but it's a reminder to myself.  "Many of life's failures are people who didn't realize how close they were to success when they gave up."  I keep that prevalent in my life because the logical side of me shuts away those feelings of certainty.  Those moments when I just feel like I know eventually get pushed down by the facts around me.  Sometimes it's good.  Sometimes - maybe more than I would like to admit - those feels were nothing more than desire in disguise.  Part of being a writer is you feel things very deeply and your imagination makes things more tangible than I think the average person experiences.  I can't really say for sure, because I was born this way, but listening to others and the depth of their feelings I think that's the case.  My imagination makes things seem so real it can pacify a lot of my desires.  I can jump into a scene and get enough of a feeling of contentment when I'm alone to satisfy my heart for at least a little while.  In the end though, it's nothing more than a fabrication and that catches up to me.  The same happens with those "little feelings" although by now I think I'm learning the difference...and that's the scariest part.  It's terrifying when you can identify what's desire and what's intuition and all the facts, everything your told says your intuition is wrong.  When you don't have those moments of doubt and you know it's actually intuition...it then becomes a waiting game.

Even recently I thought I had a feeling that something was going to work out and at the time, I wanted to believe it was intuition, but deep down, I knew I was forcing pieces of a puzzle.  I was clutching to the hope of that reality because I had nothing better to substitute.  I tried to convince myself it was real intuition, that it was more than desire.  The feeling that the future I wanted was going to happen.  But I knew it was built up in my head.  Like a scene I fabricate, knit together in the pool or when I get lost in a day dream.  Only stronger because it's fantasy I mix with desire.  With desperate, desperate need.  My heart wanted to believe, but my head knew I was having false hope.  Nothing divine, nothing inspired.  It was my heart running away.  And I knew that, at the time.  I know it more now.  And when I let go of that dream, that false "known" was when life ushered in new opportunities, most importantly new beliefs and new moments that I couldn't have had without the release from falsehood.  That's where my hope comes from.  That's where my struggle also comes from.  I release what I KNOW is false, and yet what I FEEL is real I hold to and yet time seems to pull me along so slowly that I'm in a constant waiting game to see if I was right.  To see if I failed or succeeded.  To know if I'll be a mess of anger in the end or have everything I ever wanted.  All the feelings I've had that are lacking any doubt have proven real.  You would think that would give me comfort - but when facts mount against it, it only caused me pain.

I wish I had the ability to give it all over to faith.  It's something friends have that I simply cannot manufacture.  I've tried, but the way I was built won't let me hand everything over to faith.  I ask for guidance, I listen when the "little voice" urges me continually along a path I wanted to vacate and it's proven successful thus far.  Even now I'm listening and still feeling lost in the ocean of truths.  The listening is a life ring that seems to be continually disintegrating - I'm watching myself get closer to slipping below the waves every moment.  Is it only when the waves have chipped away at all but enough to maintain a grip that the boat I knew was coming will arrive?  Or have I wasted so much time floating rather than swimming in any direction for land?  If I just swim away though, then the life boat might never find me in the expanse when it was suppose to because I didn't listen to the voice telling me to be patient, it's coming.

I decided to write about hope and certainty now because it's a topic I feel like a lot of people struggle with, but one that doesn't get discussed often.  Love, fear, pain, sadness, loss - all get described, discussed at length, but the most constant, nagging feelings I have are those of this unknown certainty.  Maybe others don't get these feelings.  Maybe I'm more tapped in to the subconscious than most so I have these struggles more.  I find that hard to believe, but it would explain why a weight on my shoulders doesn't seem to be discussed much.  So this is for those of you struggling with the same thing I am.  The struggle of knowing something that all the facts tell you is nothing more than false hope.  You're not alone.  I don't know the answers, I don't know the cure for it.  I just know that when I feel even a twinge of doubt - it's proven to not be real.  But when I feel nothing but certainty...it has always proved real.  Just took more time than I wanted.  I'm struggling with a very big one now, one that could take years to come to fruition and in the mean time leaves me in a struggle.  But it's also a "known" that I've tried to shake, that facts have allowed my heart to settle with far more than any others before, yet remains.  How these pan out I guess is just, ironically, a matter of faith.

Live, Laugh and Above All...Love.

The Importance of Being Earnest

“To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.” 

Being yourself is scary.  "Be Yourself!" is a mantra plastered in every elementary school, every college, every club...it's ubiquitous in our society.  What concerns me, especially in my youth, was...how do I know if I'm "being myself?"  I still don't.  25 years down the road and while I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am, I'm also accepting that I don't and the beautiful thing is that I'm willing to change to find "myself."  Development of "who you are" isn't something that happens the second you enter this world - it's the collective of your experiences with a dash or two of DNA thrown in there.  Asking a child to "be yourself," while a beautiful reminder that should be ingrained early on, is something that can't possibly be achieved in your youth and have the person fleshed out as best they could be.  To "be yourself" implies accepting a certain set of things.  Being something.  Who you are is ever changing and should be if you plan on growing and becoming a great person.  I think one of the biggest things you learn the TRUE importance of is kindness, for example.  We teach children to be kind, but until you're older and you see how big of a difference it makes to care (and for me, I feel best when I'm caring for someone else) you don't really understand how vital caring and kindness.  This is one small thing that if we accepted "who we are" as children or even young adults...we would never really "get" it.   And from a development standpoint...you're not equipped physically to understand somethings until you've grown older and in turn, also had more experiences. Thanks, but if my friends were still "themselves" that they developed from 15-19...we wouldn't be friends.  The growth and willingness to not be yourself is something I think is underestimated, yet vital to growth.

In a department store you go in and try on outfit after outfit to see what the right fit is.  Yes, a very obvious metaphor, but I consider personality and "who you are" to be very similar.  You can't change your body type easily, you can't make yourself taller or shorter, so you work with what nature gave you and make your own style.  While some things are set, even some God-given things are able to adapt to fit this idea of "you-ness."  You can dye your hair, you can get contacts or sport hipster glasses.  You can grow your fingernails and paint them, or you can cut them short and leave them natural.  With what you are naturally given, you can then find your best fit.  And for me, personalities are liked trying to find the perfect dress.  Only you see you in the mirror.  Only you carry the confidence when a dress fits perfectly or the shame when you know that one part of your arms looks bad.  Only you see the whole package - the child, family member, the lover, the scholar, the artist, the entertainer and the worker.  All those "people" contribute to who you are - who you are is what quantities they envelop you.  And as you try on those different outfits, different styles and fits, you can adapt your nature to enhance them.  You can smile.  You can walk with your shoulders back, head high and confront the world with authority.  Or you can curl meek in the corner - and understand, that's not a bad thing for everyone.  Some want to be meek.  Some want to be protected and cared for.  Some find glory in the meek...and how would you ever find your joy in being one of those meek people...if you always tried to be a lion?

The other glorious thing about growth and the willingness to be humble and say "I don't know if 'who I am' is really who I want to be" is what I pray my child(ren) will learn. I  want to instill in them the ability to adapt and remind them that they don't have to know who they are.  I think the willingness to try on different personalities when you're younger and see what you like on yourself is the only way to really grow.  Life and "who you are" is a search, often hindered by the need for affection - romantic or platonic. We hinder those new experiments we might have with ourselves when we want someone to love us.  The need for affection, if it's not being given correctly can dramatically alter and inhibit the dresses we try on.  We strive for the sexy too much only to forget the child and the artist.  We find ourselves wearing something more low cut than we normally would wear to become this version of ourselves that will win us affection.  And the beautifully twisted part of it is that the lover inside you is the one that makes you do that.  That piece of your personality takes control and greatly suppresses the other pieces you need to be whole.  And in the end, relationships are about connecting with the soul, with the "who you are" in someone else.  How beautifully messed up it is that the person we present to try to win such affection may not always be "who we are." In my experience, both personal and the many, many I've viewed - there's always some edits to achieve a goal.  In some ways, I can't say it's all bad.  Because you are trying something new instead of staying stagnant.  And people learn from their adapting within a relationship.  That's where relationships that are only for a short time are the most beneficial - when you relinquish the idea of "who I am" and allow yourself to change based on what you've found during that relationship.  Even if it's to go back to "who you were" before the relationship...you now know that the dress you tried on in that relationship, trying to win that affection...isn't right for you.  So you won't try it again.  Leave it on the rack for another to slip into.  Maybe it was being a mouse when you're a lion...and maybe it was the opposite.  

The importance of trying things and being honest with yourself on what feels right cannot be understated.  For me, I have a few core beliefs that I have been trying and experimenting with "who I am" around.

1. I love.  To have love, you have to give it - and give it your all without fear.  I'm still learning to love fearlessly, but I love.  I love.  I was blessed with nature giving me the ability to love very, very deeply and while yes, the pain is real when love stubs my toe, the pain means that I had something deep, real and incredible - romantic or platonic (the latter has at times caused the most pain).  Love. Love. Love.  That's part of my puzzle - the stitching of my dress that connects everything else.
2. I'm driven to give importance.  I want those around me to feel incredible, special and important.  I want to be someone who puts effort in.  I want to be Ted decorating the apartment in Christmas lights to cheer up Robin just because that's "who he is."  
3. I want a fulfilled life.  I'm willing to admit I don't know everything.  The older I get, the more willing I am to change to find what's right.  I'm not perfect now, and had I decided I needed to be "this person" when I was in my late teens, what a person I would have missed out on.  My willingness to adapt and try has brought me to a person I'm comfortable and happy being.

With your beliefs in mind, "who you are" will grow around it.  It will take nourishment from those driving forces, those lights inside you, and breathe life into who you are to become.  I'm not done.  I'm more "who I am" than I think I've ever been, but I'm still trying.  I'm still letting each of those pieces of my personality try themselves out in differing levels of power.  And it starts with honesty.  Be honest with yourself and be honest around your friends.  Try what's exciting to you and be that in front of everyone.  Be willing to say "that didn't work."  Be willing to trust that your friends are on the same adventure and will join you, not criticize you.  And have faith that the facade you show the world, when you take it off and let the raw, uncooked part come through, will be more loved than your mask ever could be.

Live, Laugh and above all...Love.

Faith

Faith.

Faith can do just about anything in this world.  It makes people believe, hope, dream and act.  It's powerful because it gives us a reason to fight.  The glimmer of hope that what we want, what some are willing to die for, will come true.  And people will do amazing things to get what they want.  But having faith is something that is a constant struggle for anyone who is at all logical.  For when your faith starts to falter, logic is happily waiting to remind you of all the reasons faith is foolish.

Faith in a higher power/God/universe, whatever you want to call it is something I struggle with.  The God I speak to is one that doesn't hand me answers or my hopes and dreams just because I pray for them.  He gives me what I need to achieve goals myself.  That keeps me working, keeps me moving forward and fighting for what I want - because it's within my reach if I work hard enough.  Most of the time, this is a powerful force that has given me a wonderful life.  Although I didn't always see it, for the past few months, when my life has become clear again, I've realized how truly blessed I am.  And while I feel resentful of my heart for wanting the one thing I seem not to have, the fact that it has been the thing I have prayed for and asked for help with more than any other single thing in my life makes my faith shake.

Am I a child throwing a fit because I don't get the toy I want?  Not exactly, but when my faith seems to falter and I look at what I have, it's hard not to feel that way.   I know it's not, but still - there's a lot that goes in to the feeling of losing your faith.   A lot of thinking that goes in to it.  And while overall I believe my faith is strong, the logical is powerful as well.  The words of reason question how I put faith in something that has no guarantee.  But then again, it is faith - meaning you trust without any proof.  I have had proof.  I've had feelings and moments that when I follow them, the right thing happens in my life.  A gap is filled.  A problem solved.  So even when I have proof with other situations, why is faith so easy to let slip away?  A day can change everything.  A day where nothing happens can shake your beliefs to the core - just because your mind is at work.

Faith is believing that the guidance you're being given is one of good, not of bad.  But how do you maintain that faith even when the years span on and nothing changes.  When the process of following what you believe is what you're being guided to hurts more than not listening would?  Is it worth the risk of feeling pain and it being for not....instead of shutting off the pipeline now?  I don't have the answer.  Each day I wake up and my heart just knows what it believes - my head doesn't get a say if it's strongly beating for "yes, the pain is worth it because there's a chance of success."  But on the days when my heart doesn't want to take the pain anymore, my head gets a voice.

At the end of the day, I still have faith.  I believe and trust that there's a plan.  But that doesn't mean there aren't bumps on the road.  I believe everyone who thinks has to hesitate at least occasionally in their faith - and that doesn't mean they're not spiritual or truly understand God.  If anything, I feel questioning my faith, asking myself why I trust and pushing myself when it's just me and God is more spiritually connected than blind faith.  God gave me a brain to use it - and I do - to push myself and find out my most authentic, unbiased belief.  And perhaps one day the pain will be gone, but for now, the battle lingers on.  And my days of faith keep it going.  Keep the path interesting, the flowers bright and the rain cleansing.  The days when my faith falters are days I'm thankful for as well - because they remind me just how much I have and those gaps - the ones I've been desperate to fill since my heart took its first beats - those gaps are worth fighting to have faith for.  Because with faith - I'm willing to keep fighting.

Live, Laugh and Above All....Love.

Past

Your past is a very funny thing.  It can have such an amazing impact on your life, you either had control over it or not, it jumps up and surprises you at the most unpredictable moments and it stirs emotions you can't help but experience.  What's so amusing about it, like a puppet dancing in the back of your mind, is how it continues to interrupt your life, even when you don't want it to or don't think you need it to.  But if you have any faith in the universe, a deity or some sort of higher power, everything has a purpose - so the past jumping up at unpredictable times is supposed to be for some purpose...right?

Your past is just that - something that happened to you long ago (or sometimes not so long ago) that shapes who you are.  You can't hide from your past - countless movies, quotes by people far more intelligent than I, and allegories have told us that from the very beginning, yet most of us continue to believe we can hide from what we've done, where we came from.  While not always the goal, a lot of have just fine, average pasts, most people think there's at least something in our past we need to hide from.  Is it the emotional pull of a love that slipped through your fingers in a memory that flashes across your mind, stirring those places deep inside you that you thought had gone dormant?  Is it the scar from a slap across your face you took - a slap that stung so bad you finally understood the nervous system that your biology teacher had been trying to ram down your throat since middle school?  Is it the the time you denied your moral compass and enjoyed a blissful moment of sheer power and what we would call 'evil'?  Is it the lack of remorse for defying social norms and living on the dark side for a sweet taste of the addicting nature of power?  There's always something to hide from.

Is hiding the best thing to do though?  Even though the dark parts of our past might be hard to feel, hard to relive and sometimes bring emotions back that you wanted buried away...they're there for a reason.  They're there to make us remember that at the core, we are human, here to feel and most importantly, to experience life.  You ask what the meaning of life is?  I think it's experience.  Bad, good, in between.  Whatever, just experience.  No labels, no fear of how you'll fear tomorrow.  Experience.  Because at the end of the day, if you ever lose the ability to feel - and trust me, that's a very easy reality to slip into - it's those memories of what it's like to feel that give you hope.  The feeling of his hand sliding down your extended fist, down your arm to your elbow on that cold night, just on the cusp of adulthood, when for the first time you had someone look you in the eyes and absolutely, without denial, invest in you.  The feeling of comfort when you fell asleep to a voice on the other end of the phone that was all you needed to feel at peace - all either of you needed to feel.  The moment when you knew someone you love has an undeniable darkness inside of them that you can't avoid, but realize you can still love them.  The snap you have when a chord, a single voice breaks through the monotony of your existence and for just a second...you feel something.  It's small, nothing more than a twinge for most, but for you, it's everything because it's something.

That's what the past does that's so beautiful and funny, like a lost friend that calls you at the exact moment you need them.  It's there for you, remind you of where you've come and how far you've come.  It's there to bring peace to your mind if that's what you are in need of.  So when you want to escape your past - ask yourself why.  When it's there to remind you of why you're alive and how far you've come, embrace it. Experience it.

Live, Laugh and Above All, Love.

Need

I've had an education in need.  All my life I've felt the love I have for people, I know how deeply I care for them, I understand what they mean to me, I know how much they are on my mind.  What I didn't realize is how little I show it or say it outside my family - in an obvious way.  So many friends lament to me about people in their life who are distant, someone far away emotionally and I never imagined myself in that group...but how wrong I was.  I'm an action lover.  I show my love through actions.  I show my love through doing for those I love.  But I don't say it, I don't express it, I can't be vulnerable like that.  Why does being vulnerable scare us so much when it's often the only way to get what we want?

Vulnerability comes from the willingness to accept that something is out of your control.  To trust someone enough to render yourself into someone's hands.  To give your emotional security, your feelings, to someone and trust them to keep them safe.  It's a scary thought - giving over control like that.  For driven people, driven women I think especially, surrendering control like that seems impossible - or stupid.  I've always felt it was stupid.  Why give that control over to someone?  Why trust someone with that when I could keep it under control?  Why risk?  Is there really only reward when you risk?

I was talking with a very dear friend today and expressed this to her - my feeling that I don't express how much people mean to me.  She smiled and I knew that I hadn't done justice to our friendship.  I hadn't told her how much she impacts my life.  How important she is.  Why hadn't I been able to fall completely in front of her when she's always been there?  Because I was under the illusion that I was able to do it.  I thought I was letting people in...until I started actually trying with someone who called me on my illusion.  Someone who had an inkling that my editing went much deeper than I thought it had.  Someone that saw through my mask.  And it's scary.  It's scary how thick my walls are.  I know I have walls - everyone does.  But I always thought mine could be chipped away once I felt comfortable with someone.  What I didn't know was I was only letting the tiniest of holes through the wall when I thought I had taken them down.  I thought it was normal to hold back, not to show your darkest.  How I can write thousands of words expressing the emotions I have inside, represent them in my characters, but I can't articulate three words out loud to someone I care about.  I can't say "I Need You." Physically choke on the words as I try to let them out.  Feel my throat constrict as I try to say "I Can't Lose You."  I always thought if I felt it, others knew...but I don't let them see it because my walls were up when I thought they were down.  My bridge had been closed despite them waiting patiently...so patiently at the gates.  By not saying it though, I'm not connecting like I could be. Because when I let someone in this past weekend, trusted someone with even the tiniest of me...I connected.  I felt a trust I never knew I was even missing.  I did it with two people I care very much for and who I know love me as well - and both kept me safe.  Both let me in.  Both were patient with me as I tried, even if it was only a little, to succeed at this new endeavor.

When I stopped actually letting people in I can't even pin-point.  Now that I know I haven't been doing it, I'm trying to trace back to what changed in me.  I think I used to, as a kid.  Maybe we all did, before we learned not to trust.  But maybe for me I trusted longer than just childhood - I don't know.  What made me stop without realizing I'd stopped?  I look back and I realize there was a time in my life where I connected more, but then it just slowly dissipates.  I don't know what it was and I don't know why.  It doesn't really matter.  Maybe it eroded over time.  Maybe the people who didn't hold my little fragment of trust I gave them, the tiniest piece that wasn't even a whole piece, maybe the people who betrayed that caused me to stop giving even that.  Those people who made me think that what I have been giving, what I thought was a part of me, was just the safe parts - the parts I knew people could look past and still love me.  It's the dark, the deep that scares even me that I've held back.  It's the love I have for people that I'm scared will scare them that I've refrained from releasing.  It's the depth to which they matter in my life that I'm afraid I'll be vulnerable if they know and want to leave.  It's like showing my Achilles' heel.  Those people who betrayed those pieces, left them to spoil or turned them into weapons against me are not my enemies - I don't hate them...they made me who I am.  I'm thankful for that - because I'm a work-in-progress that I enjoy.  They let me discover this at a time in my life when I needed to discover it.  Maybe it was faith that let me discover it now.  Who knows, but this was my path.  But whatever made me stop...it changed the way I saw the world.  It made me think the depth I had shown to the outside world was out in the middle of the ocean, when really it was nothing more than just beyond the shore.  Now I have to learn to wade into the water and even though I'll dodge some sharks, maybe I'll end up at the uncharted, beautiful island no one has ever seen before.  A place I can call home.

That's where the reward lies - in that moment when your friends are there.  When they don't disappoint you like so many have before.  When they catch you when you fall and they connect with you and hopefully love you like you love them.  When they go from caring about you to loving you.  It's that moment, that's the reward.  But you have to risk it all - you have to show the dark in you, you have to show you're weak at times...you have to show to let them see there something to connect to.  You have to show them you need them - that they're not just an accessory in your life.  No one can connect to something that's not there.  In return, you have to understand the gravity of the gift your friend, lover, family member, your other half gives you when they fall, when they trust you to be there to save them. When they give you a piece of their wall. You can't let that slip through, you cannot falter when that happens - you have to hold strong because if you don't, you won't connect with them and you can make their walls even stronger if you fail.  Failure when you have to be the protector is not an option.  Besides simply taking a friendship seriously, you won't get the other side of the reward if you fail.  You won't get the CONNECTION - the back and forth.  It's the responsibility of getting the reward and it's the path to receiving it.  For me, that's the easiest part - the one being there.  But learning to be the one who needs.  That's where you find the scariest, but also the most rewarding part.

TV Truths - Take 2

More TV Truths from How I Met Your Mother as they apply to MY LIFE.  I did seasons 1-4 in an earlier post and these are the truths that I've found from recent seasons.

1. Suit Up as often as possible.
2. A ruined house to anyone else can be everything to you.
3. While DIBS may be a rule...if the person is more like the person who didn't call Dibs....let them have them.
4. Deciding to define your relationship is something so many people try to avoid, yet fail miserably at.
5. Sometimes it takes realizing you can never have kids to understand that you wanted them in the first place.
6. If you find yourself wanting to be with someone all the time because they make you better - look at that person in a romantic light and see what happens.
7. British chicks rarely have deep personalities on TV shows - it's like writers think the accent gives them an automatic story line.
8. You can move away, but when everything is perfect, you'll somehow find your way back home.
9. I will have a box of bets with my husband about my friends' lives.  It's going to happen.  But mine will have a lock on it.
10. "We should open a bar" are the greatest 5 words any man can utter.
11. A man who can dance and is bold enough to grab you and dance with you in front of everyone can change everything.
12. Don't judge a person on your first interaction - they could be hiding a whole other world inside.
13. If someone continues to pop into your head - don't ignore that.
14. Never stop dreaming that The One will happen.
15. The rest of the world doesn't care as much as you do about the fact that you're pregnant.
16. Giving up norms in your home can be the best way to make a new life.
17. Everyone should have a Storm Trooper statue in their apartment.
18. There is a Bro Code.  And girls can be included in it.  Don't break the Bro Code.
19. You need a non-blood family.  Finding friends who become annoying, intrusive and overly involved in your life is something everyone should have.
20. Don't underestimate LOVE.  Just because you're not in love with someone or their not in love with you doesn't mean they don't love you.
21. The parents who raised you don't always have the greatest influence on your life.
22. This is more of a hope:  When you start to give up on achieving what you desire most...it may be just moments before it happens.

Live, Laugh and Above All....Love.