The Importance of Being Earnest

“To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.” 

Being yourself is scary.  "Be Yourself!" is a mantra plastered in every elementary school, every college, every club...it's ubiquitous in our society.  What concerns me, especially in my youth, was...how do I know if I'm "being myself?"  I still don't.  25 years down the road and while I think I have a pretty good idea of who I am, I'm also accepting that I don't and the beautiful thing is that I'm willing to change to find "myself."  Development of "who you are" isn't something that happens the second you enter this world - it's the collective of your experiences with a dash or two of DNA thrown in there.  Asking a child to "be yourself," while a beautiful reminder that should be ingrained early on, is something that can't possibly be achieved in your youth and have the person fleshed out as best they could be.  To "be yourself" implies accepting a certain set of things.  Being something.  Who you are is ever changing and should be if you plan on growing and becoming a great person.  I think one of the biggest things you learn the TRUE importance of is kindness, for example.  We teach children to be kind, but until you're older and you see how big of a difference it makes to care (and for me, I feel best when I'm caring for someone else) you don't really understand how vital caring and kindness.  This is one small thing that if we accepted "who we are" as children or even young adults...we would never really "get" it.   And from a development standpoint...you're not equipped physically to understand somethings until you've grown older and in turn, also had more experiences. Thanks, but if my friends were still "themselves" that they developed from 15-19...we wouldn't be friends.  The growth and willingness to not be yourself is something I think is underestimated, yet vital to growth.

In a department store you go in and try on outfit after outfit to see what the right fit is.  Yes, a very obvious metaphor, but I consider personality and "who you are" to be very similar.  You can't change your body type easily, you can't make yourself taller or shorter, so you work with what nature gave you and make your own style.  While some things are set, even some God-given things are able to adapt to fit this idea of "you-ness."  You can dye your hair, you can get contacts or sport hipster glasses.  You can grow your fingernails and paint them, or you can cut them short and leave them natural.  With what you are naturally given, you can then find your best fit.  And for me, personalities are liked trying to find the perfect dress.  Only you see you in the mirror.  Only you carry the confidence when a dress fits perfectly or the shame when you know that one part of your arms looks bad.  Only you see the whole package - the child, family member, the lover, the scholar, the artist, the entertainer and the worker.  All those "people" contribute to who you are - who you are is what quantities they envelop you.  And as you try on those different outfits, different styles and fits, you can adapt your nature to enhance them.  You can smile.  You can walk with your shoulders back, head high and confront the world with authority.  Or you can curl meek in the corner - and understand, that's not a bad thing for everyone.  Some want to be meek.  Some want to be protected and cared for.  Some find glory in the meek...and how would you ever find your joy in being one of those meek people...if you always tried to be a lion?

The other glorious thing about growth and the willingness to be humble and say "I don't know if 'who I am' is really who I want to be" is what I pray my child(ren) will learn. I  want to instill in them the ability to adapt and remind them that they don't have to know who they are.  I think the willingness to try on different personalities when you're younger and see what you like on yourself is the only way to really grow.  Life and "who you are" is a search, often hindered by the need for affection - romantic or platonic. We hinder those new experiments we might have with ourselves when we want someone to love us.  The need for affection, if it's not being given correctly can dramatically alter and inhibit the dresses we try on.  We strive for the sexy too much only to forget the child and the artist.  We find ourselves wearing something more low cut than we normally would wear to become this version of ourselves that will win us affection.  And the beautifully twisted part of it is that the lover inside you is the one that makes you do that.  That piece of your personality takes control and greatly suppresses the other pieces you need to be whole.  And in the end, relationships are about connecting with the soul, with the "who you are" in someone else.  How beautifully messed up it is that the person we present to try to win such affection may not always be "who we are." In my experience, both personal and the many, many I've viewed - there's always some edits to achieve a goal.  In some ways, I can't say it's all bad.  Because you are trying something new instead of staying stagnant.  And people learn from their adapting within a relationship.  That's where relationships that are only for a short time are the most beneficial - when you relinquish the idea of "who I am" and allow yourself to change based on what you've found during that relationship.  Even if it's to go back to "who you were" before the relationship...you now know that the dress you tried on in that relationship, trying to win that affection...isn't right for you.  So you won't try it again.  Leave it on the rack for another to slip into.  Maybe it was being a mouse when you're a lion...and maybe it was the opposite.  

The importance of trying things and being honest with yourself on what feels right cannot be understated.  For me, I have a few core beliefs that I have been trying and experimenting with "who I am" around.

1. I love.  To have love, you have to give it - and give it your all without fear.  I'm still learning to love fearlessly, but I love.  I love.  I was blessed with nature giving me the ability to love very, very deeply and while yes, the pain is real when love stubs my toe, the pain means that I had something deep, real and incredible - romantic or platonic (the latter has at times caused the most pain).  Love. Love. Love.  That's part of my puzzle - the stitching of my dress that connects everything else.
2. I'm driven to give importance.  I want those around me to feel incredible, special and important.  I want to be someone who puts effort in.  I want to be Ted decorating the apartment in Christmas lights to cheer up Robin just because that's "who he is."  
3. I want a fulfilled life.  I'm willing to admit I don't know everything.  The older I get, the more willing I am to change to find what's right.  I'm not perfect now, and had I decided I needed to be "this person" when I was in my late teens, what a person I would have missed out on.  My willingness to adapt and try has brought me to a person I'm comfortable and happy being.

With your beliefs in mind, "who you are" will grow around it.  It will take nourishment from those driving forces, those lights inside you, and breathe life into who you are to become.  I'm not done.  I'm more "who I am" than I think I've ever been, but I'm still trying.  I'm still letting each of those pieces of my personality try themselves out in differing levels of power.  And it starts with honesty.  Be honest with yourself and be honest around your friends.  Try what's exciting to you and be that in front of everyone.  Be willing to say "that didn't work."  Be willing to trust that your friends are on the same adventure and will join you, not criticize you.  And have faith that the facade you show the world, when you take it off and let the raw, uncooked part come through, will be more loved than your mask ever could be.

Live, Laugh and above all...Love.

Faith

Faith.

Faith can do just about anything in this world.  It makes people believe, hope, dream and act.  It's powerful because it gives us a reason to fight.  The glimmer of hope that what we want, what some are willing to die for, will come true.  And people will do amazing things to get what they want.  But having faith is something that is a constant struggle for anyone who is at all logical.  For when your faith starts to falter, logic is happily waiting to remind you of all the reasons faith is foolish.

Faith in a higher power/God/universe, whatever you want to call it is something I struggle with.  The God I speak to is one that doesn't hand me answers or my hopes and dreams just because I pray for them.  He gives me what I need to achieve goals myself.  That keeps me working, keeps me moving forward and fighting for what I want - because it's within my reach if I work hard enough.  Most of the time, this is a powerful force that has given me a wonderful life.  Although I didn't always see it, for the past few months, when my life has become clear again, I've realized how truly blessed I am.  And while I feel resentful of my heart for wanting the one thing I seem not to have, the fact that it has been the thing I have prayed for and asked for help with more than any other single thing in my life makes my faith shake.

Am I a child throwing a fit because I don't get the toy I want?  Not exactly, but when my faith seems to falter and I look at what I have, it's hard not to feel that way.   I know it's not, but still - there's a lot that goes in to the feeling of losing your faith.   A lot of thinking that goes in to it.  And while overall I believe my faith is strong, the logical is powerful as well.  The words of reason question how I put faith in something that has no guarantee.  But then again, it is faith - meaning you trust without any proof.  I have had proof.  I've had feelings and moments that when I follow them, the right thing happens in my life.  A gap is filled.  A problem solved.  So even when I have proof with other situations, why is faith so easy to let slip away?  A day can change everything.  A day where nothing happens can shake your beliefs to the core - just because your mind is at work.

Faith is believing that the guidance you're being given is one of good, not of bad.  But how do you maintain that faith even when the years span on and nothing changes.  When the process of following what you believe is what you're being guided to hurts more than not listening would?  Is it worth the risk of feeling pain and it being for not....instead of shutting off the pipeline now?  I don't have the answer.  Each day I wake up and my heart just knows what it believes - my head doesn't get a say if it's strongly beating for "yes, the pain is worth it because there's a chance of success."  But on the days when my heart doesn't want to take the pain anymore, my head gets a voice.

At the end of the day, I still have faith.  I believe and trust that there's a plan.  But that doesn't mean there aren't bumps on the road.  I believe everyone who thinks has to hesitate at least occasionally in their faith - and that doesn't mean they're not spiritual or truly understand God.  If anything, I feel questioning my faith, asking myself why I trust and pushing myself when it's just me and God is more spiritually connected than blind faith.  God gave me a brain to use it - and I do - to push myself and find out my most authentic, unbiased belief.  And perhaps one day the pain will be gone, but for now, the battle lingers on.  And my days of faith keep it going.  Keep the path interesting, the flowers bright and the rain cleansing.  The days when my faith falters are days I'm thankful for as well - because they remind me just how much I have and those gaps - the ones I've been desperate to fill since my heart took its first beats - those gaps are worth fighting to have faith for.  Because with faith - I'm willing to keep fighting.

Live, Laugh and Above All....Love.