Faith.
Faith can do just about anything in this world. It makes people believe, hope, dream and act. It's powerful because it gives us a reason to fight. The glimmer of hope that what we want, what some are willing to die for, will come true. And people will do amazing things to get what they want. But having faith is something that is a constant struggle for anyone who is at all logical. For when your faith starts to falter, logic is happily waiting to remind you of all the reasons faith is foolish.
Faith in a higher power/God/universe, whatever you want to call it is something I struggle with. The God I speak to is one that doesn't hand me answers or my hopes and dreams just because I pray for them. He gives me what I need to achieve goals myself. That keeps me working, keeps me moving forward and fighting for what I want - because it's within my reach if I work hard enough. Most of the time, this is a powerful force that has given me a wonderful life. Although I didn't always see it, for the past few months, when my life has become clear again, I've realized how truly blessed I am. And while I feel resentful of my heart for wanting the one thing I seem not to have, the fact that it has been the thing I have prayed for and asked for help with more than any other single thing in my life makes my faith shake.
Am I a child throwing a fit because I don't get the toy I want? Not exactly, but when my faith seems to falter and I look at what I have, it's hard not to feel that way. I know it's not, but still - there's a lot that goes in to the feeling of losing your faith. A lot of thinking that goes in to it. And while overall I believe my faith is strong, the logical is powerful as well. The words of reason question how I put faith in something that has no guarantee. But then again, it is faith - meaning you trust without any proof. I have had proof. I've had feelings and moments that when I follow them, the right thing happens in my life. A gap is filled. A problem solved. So even when I have proof with other situations, why is faith so easy to let slip away? A day can change everything. A day where nothing happens can shake your beliefs to the core - just because your mind is at work.
Faith is believing that the guidance you're being given is one of good, not of bad. But how do you maintain that faith even when the years span on and nothing changes. When the process of following what you believe is what you're being guided to hurts more than not listening would? Is it worth the risk of feeling pain and it being for not....instead of shutting off the pipeline now? I don't have the answer. Each day I wake up and my heart just knows what it believes - my head doesn't get a say if it's strongly beating for "yes, the pain is worth it because there's a chance of success." But on the days when my heart doesn't want to take the pain anymore, my head gets a voice.
At the end of the day, I still have faith. I believe and trust that there's a plan. But that doesn't mean there aren't bumps on the road. I believe everyone who thinks has to hesitate at least occasionally in their faith - and that doesn't mean they're not spiritual or truly understand God. If anything, I feel questioning my faith, asking myself why I trust and pushing myself when it's just me and God is more spiritually connected than blind faith. God gave me a brain to use it - and I do - to push myself and find out my most authentic, unbiased belief. And perhaps one day the pain will be gone, but for now, the battle lingers on. And my days of faith keep it going. Keep the path interesting, the flowers bright and the rain cleansing. The days when my faith falters are days I'm thankful for as well - because they remind me just how much I have and those gaps - the ones I've been desperate to fill since my heart took its first beats - those gaps are worth fighting to have faith for. Because with faith - I'm willing to keep fighting.
Live, Laugh and Above All....Love.
