You & I

Why is it so hard to be ourselves around people we want most to give our hearts to?  Almost everyone experiences the nerves that accompany being in the presence of one you're attracted to.  If you're not one of those people - I envy you with a passion.  And the rest of the world envies you as well.  People like that seem so fearless, or perhaps they just don't care.  Either way, it's a skill I have yet to obtain - being completely normal around someone who makes my heart beat faster.  It's one of many failures of the human existence - fearing that which we desire most.  Rather than being able to attack, to be ready to take on the next adventure...we analyze, we lie in wait and we only take a step when we're sure.  Averting eye contact with those we want to make it with, holding back from someone we want to embrace.  It's such a natural resistance, but it's so counter productive.  Why can't we mentally overcome this with self talk?  Why is it that some can talk themselves into literally jumping off a cliff...but can't sit beside a person they desire without becoming a bumbling fool?  Why can I have no fears about interviewing the President of the United States, but shut down when someone I'm attracted to enters the room?  Why do we fear this so very much?

The reason, I believe for most people based on conversations, is a sense of internal loss and a true blow to your whole self.  If the object of your desire doesn't desire you back...it's a reflection on who you are.  Someone didn't want you.  That's the killer.  So many I talk with are in agony, in pain in their very core because they dream of this person, want to be in their arms and yet are too scared to take the leap.  But even with that knowledge, the rejection and the fear, I personally know that not everyone is right for everyone...so rejection means you just haven't found the right person - but why isn't that awareness enough?  How do I still drink myself into a complete stupor or become completely stoic to prevent the real me from coming out?  It's just a person, as real and as human as I...but they seem so much  more than that.  As the arm chair psychologist I am, people seem to open up to me, which I love, and it allows me to see the agony in their turmoil.  I understand it.  I see the tears in their eyes when I ask the hard questions and it almost always results in them being sure the other person cannot possibly reciprocate their feelings.  I know that's a problem for me.  It's a problem for many.  How could this person you hold in such high esteem feel the same about you?  I believe even a fully secure person can still succumb to this fault because it's more than just being secure with who you are - it's trusting that someone else could see that too.

In books I so rarely read about the fear of someone you desire - perhaps because I read things outside the teen fiction sections, but still...shouldn't it be out there more in novels?  I'm guilty of it as a writer - long glances turn into a rushed kiss, a night of passion or a long embrace on a cold night...I'm guilty of omitting the thing I hate the most about myself.  In some of my character relationships it does come out, but mostly to prove a point about that character - her weakness and indecision.  If we know this is the reflection timidness towards desirables gives, why am I unable to prevent myself from giving that appearance?  Why do we fear what we want?

No amount of advice, self talk or awareness will help this problem.  All you can do is mindlessly take a leap.  Jump when you are inclined.  Take a risk.  Jump...and maybe one of these days you'll be caught.


Live. Laugh and Above All....Love.